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Monday, January 18, 2016
First and foremost, I'd like to wish everyone a Happy New Year and I wish all a great health. Nothing comes first besides being healthy. I know everyone wishes for a good wealth as well but that's usually not the top of my list!
I have started school and I need to concentrate on both school and work! It's a huge ass burden because I'm paying for my school fees. It's really damn stressful and I really have no idea when I can pay off the debts... I'm the type of person who needs to get out of my comfortable zone at time which I intend to proceed whether it's possible or not.
I love how Year 2015 has finally ended and I have been looking forward to school... I have enjoyed my trips though! This year, I've decided to go somewhere near and since my mother says I can only travel to neighboring countries, I choose BATAM! It's just a ferry across to the island and she still thinks it's far... I choose Batam because I really want to try staying in Montigo Resorts! Hopefully it will come true but first, I need to lose my fats first (to wear bikini *-*)...
Right, let me just post something that's from last year which I already wanted to do for a long time...
Year 2015 thoughts Something evil triggered inside me. I can't explain what or why is it so... I just felt like there's a time bomb in me where I raged out of a sudden and just like a volcano that erupted, I exploded. Fret not. I'm neither possessed nor turning evil. I just felt like I had nothing there for me to let all the anger out. I thought I was going to be okay, I told myself. But then, I can't seem to let it go. I had no problem with anyone and I'd like to apologize if anyone got hurt because of my words or actions. I'm really exhausted, trying hard to be myself and yet the results that I got turn out to be the opposite of what I wanted it expected. It was bad you know. I'm not just mentally tired, I'm physically exhausted as well.
No one ever asked why I'm like this. Was it because it's reality? There's no one we could really trust, wasn't it? Sometimes I believe putting trust and faith in someone was a good thing, sometimes I just wanted to be alone thinking about life. It doesn't matter how people look at me or say about me, I just wanted to finish off this life and stop all things quickly. I know there were so many things to accomplish but looking at them one by one, was it possible? I know I should be confident and aim for what I really wanted but sometimes, I just can't...
People may think that I'm always direct with them and telling them straight to the point. Honestly speaking I don't have the rights to do so, yet I did it anyways but I'm always not thinking of myself with what the hell I really wanted. This got into me and I'm going bonkers, really. I may be direct speaking and going straight to the point, hurting people with my words but sometimes I'm trying to help yet it got overboard.
I felt like I'm going nuts, thinking about shits but hey, I don't know man... I just wanted to go into blank spaces and think nothing. All the impulses got to me and I really wanted to stop, stop thinking about shitty things.
I've been feeling yucky and yet I didn't show it out because I truly wanted to finish everything myself. I'm sorry if I didn't give a thoughts about others. But hey, who does? I really think this world is shitty, I'm sorry to say that. Sorry mum that I gotta think this way, when you're the one who gave birth to me. I mean it you know? None of this was fair. I wish I could end everything now.
Learning how to be normal, was a habit. I really hated being "normal" when I knew it really was abnormal. I hated how things could end in a way I didn't expect. Can anyone teach me the normal ways again? I felt like an idiot always thinking of a way out, but there's always no one there to help... Yeah yeah, positive thinking needed to be implanted into my mind. I'm trying hard, that's why I'm laughing it off whether the jokes were funny...
人到了一个地步就会开始想想自己要得是什么。。。我呢，自己要什么都不知道。该走的方向，我也不知道是哪个。好想自己捅自己。好累啊！真想放下所有事情，然后跑到天涯海角没有人能找到我，而那地方只能容的下我。。。
Labels: Misc
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